Bakugans

I don't know what the hell these little evil balls are, but they are taking over the minds of my sons and are driving me up the fucking wall. They are tranformers, I guess, and you manipulate them into these little easy-to-misplace balls and wack 'em on a magnetic trading card and then they pop open into battle-ready critters. I have refereed 10 to 15 bakugan-related fights in the last four hours and have heard the word "bakugan" uttered at least 100 times since breakfast. This is the first time in my parenting that I have felt like a harried 4th grade teacher and am ready to seize these toys as contraband and lock 'em up until June. I was excited when my sons discovered them, mostly because I was able to sleep past 7 am because they were too busy wacking these damn balls around to come bug me for cereal. Now, I want my sons back.

Being poor

We're poor. Which is probably why I lashed out at hipster parents. They can afford to send their kids to an 8,000 dollar a year preschool and eat organic produce. I can't. I'm broke and in college. So is my husband. Here is my wish list for things I am going to buy when we grow up and get real jobs:

10. A vacation. A real one, not some bullshit overnight stay in a town 45 minutes away, or god forbid, fucking camping.

9. Shampoo. I have a wicker basket of little ones stolen from hotels, by other people, when they go on vacation.

8. Bra and underwear that match. Awesome. I will be sexy in my matching bra and underwear.

7. An above-ground pool. We're not gonna make real money, but we can get one of those 300 dollar deals from Wal-mart, for sure, and piss off our neighbors because it's such an eyesore.

6. A weekly pedicure. Because I deserve it, assholes!

5. Brunch.

4. Regular vet check-ups for our dog. That's what the middle class does for their dogs.

3. Paper towels.

2.Vodka in a glass bottle.

1. More lottery tickets.

Hipster Parents

If you see an undisciplined child running amok, wearing layered clothing that has clearly been hand-sewn by local artisans, chances are, you will find a hipster parent very close by. Too close, in fact, because everyone knows a good parent has to be three fucking inches away from their kid at all times. I mean, they might encounter something awful, like a smoker, or a Christian. Whether they are basking in pulsating rays of smugness or drinking fair-trade coffee, hipster parents are "on the scene" even if it's 10 am at the public library. These ecologically and socially conscious philosophers are raising an army of seemingly well-adjusted children who will grow up to hate their parents as much as we hated ours, they're just spending more time and money on the way. Don't ever compare yourself to a hipster parent! They have hybrid cars, use non-violent communication and lo-flow bathroom plumbing. Their children know how to recycle while yours are still hucking the Big Gulp cup out of the window of your 17-mile-to-the-gallon piece of shit that just failed emissions.

Where to find them: College towns, Transitional big-city neighborhoods, the Pacific-Northwest, Montessori schools
Where to find them in 10 years: NA, AA, The Unitarian Church, Match.com

How to engage at a party: Ask them why they post MLK quotes on FB and voted for Obama but they don't want their kids going school with minorities. It's fun.

Warning: Will make you feel bad about taking your kids to the circus.