Retail Retards

You guys have folks in your town that work in retail and shouldn't, because they fucking hate people? How in the fuck do they get away with it? How are they overlooked by their superiors? In a bad economy with online retail options closing box stores by the hundreds, shouldn't you hire some Ned Flanders ass-kisser that actually WANTS to be there? Or who, at the very least, puts on a good show? Here are some crappy people that make my day crappier.

1. The Dark Lord (aka, the dude who develops photos at Rite Aid): This guy wears a tie and an honest-t0-god fucking CAPE to develop your pictures at the neighborhood pharmacy. During his break he sometimes enjoys a pipe after his chugger of Mountain Dew (I seen him). He's easy to picture-- a whiff of a goatee, thinning hair pulled into a long ponytail, faded Dockers with a satin tie from the nineties, cheap shoes with white socks--you know, that kind of dude. He's sorta pudgy too, presumably from eating all that discounted Easter candy. I was once lucky enough to sit near his table when he was on a first date with a cougary gamer nerd and I overheard him order a Warsteiner in a fake-ass British accent. He was wearing an ascot..with jeans. I just KNOW this guy is taking people's photos and doing fucked up things with them, and I want to punch him in the face for the things I both suspect about him and the things I've actually witnessed.

2. Sour-faced TJ Maxx Dressing Room Attendant-This woman once visibly sniffed at me when I entered her work area and asked me what I did for a living. "You smell" she said"..like a food." Granted, I worked in a nasty-ass taco hut, but what the fuck it is to her? Just give me my number already and go pick your fucking nose. Bitch had the audacity to stick her little paw over the dressing room door and SPRAY me with Lysol. As in, she publicly fucking disinfected me. Maybe in Haiti or wherever the fuck she's from, it's cool to just bathe in a caustic chemical, but not here. I mean, DAMN!

2 months later I overhear her (same place--the Maxx) training some teenager about dressing room policies. She says, "That lady over there, she try on the clothe, she take back so many, and she only buy one". I was sifting through the bras and I saw her gesture in my direction. Like, am I fucking obligated to buy everything I try on? I don't care what their commercial says, you KNOW the Maxx has funky stuff that nobody fucking wants because it's all irregular and shit. I once found a pair of pantyhose in there with like, 3 fucking legs. Fuck that shit.

3. Sour-faced Party City Employee-Yes, that's right, guess who's blowing up fucking BIRTHDAY balloons for all the boys and girls? That's right, the lady who hates everyone, the damn TJ Maxx dressing room attendant. She had the nerve to give my kid the ol' eyeroll when it took him like, 2 fucking minutes to pick out his special birthday balloon. Then, she didn't even tie it to anything and it blew up in the damn rafters, and she just walked away. He started to cry (he was like, 2) and I had to go chase her fat ass down the aisle to get another one. It was his fucking BIRTHDAY for Chrissake! Isn't there a warehouse or something somewhere, where she can sit on her dimpled butt and silently sort screws into boxes? Sheesh.

4. Sour-faced Publix Deli Employee-I don't know what they pay her, or put in her potato salad, but this same lady is nice as shit at Publix. Here, she's my best buddy and has no memory of consistently providing shitty and/or insulting customer service at like, 4 other places. She's cracking jokes and flirting with construction workers and everything. You are practically GUARANTEED a smile with your sub or Boars Head turkey or whatever the fuck. I mean, good for Publix, I guess if anyone can tame the bitch, they can.

5. Old Man McGrumpy (at our local Target): I'm not going to pretend for one fucking second that working at the Target Deli when you are fifty is in ANY way awesome. However...please do not refer to my children as "abominations of God" when mopping up an unfortunate Icee spill. It's not like they hucked it at him, it merely tipped over in a brief but somewhat frenzied moment of sugar-anticipation before we got the lid on there good and tight. Geez Louise! I tried to help him and he jerked the rag away from me and sneered, "I got it" through his thin white lips. What even keeps these guys from strapping bombs to their chests in the middle of fucking Target? Probably the next episode of Stargate. Or maybe they have to be unmasked by Scooby Doo somewhere. Go sell that collection of media crap to a carbon-copy McGrumpy on ebay and retire.

6. Gas-Station Creepazoid-This guy feels up MY HAND when he gives me back change. The first time he did this I thought it was a mistake, but by the second and third time I got chills up my spine when his crusty fingers lingered gently over my palm. Fuck this! Not cool! I got him, though, I only give him exact change and I place it on the scanner area, or I use my debit even if it's a pack of gum. HaHA! I'm smarter than you, fucking creep. And I KNOW it's because I buy porno there. Just because I read 'Nugget', it doesn't mean I'm going to give you a free BJ by the dumpster. Shit!

EVERYONE Who Works For AT and T: Fuck ALL of these guys. When and if I go to hell, I'll be speaking to one of their many customer service representatives, in one of their many departments, for several of the many minutes in my busy day--only to be told it is fixed, and get many more bills reflecting many more charges. I logged 9 hours and 14 minutes trying to get my bill to reflect a contract I signed last year, to no avail.

The AT and T store was no help either, as those guys can't see your info when your billing is combined. What is the fucking point of bundling your services when the only guy who can see them is the Wizard of Fucking Oz? What works: Bring your little fellers in there, if you have any. Make sure they are ready for naps, maybe even a little hungry. Bill was fixed in under 15 minutes. Turn a cranky toddler loose in small retail environment and people start finding creative ways to appease the customer and get her the fuck out of there.

7. Dunkin Donuts Lady, 3rd Shift-Ah, Louise..90 years young, buttoned to the gills in a never-ending supply of pearl-pink cardigans with a frown that life chiseled into her face. Working every night from 11 pm to 5 am must suck when you are a great-grandmother. I wipe a tear in her memory..assuming she is dead, of course, she may have just finally retired. I don't think I'd retire if I worked for a boss that had no problems whatsoever with me THROWING DONUTS AT PEOPLE. !! Ok, ok, she's probably a nice old woman underneath it all, and she was left penniless by her husband, but gee, do you have to throw a bagel at me? With jelly on it? And if you're wondering if it's really ME that has an attitude problem, thus making sweet ladies turn sour and start throwing baked goods, I'll have you know I studied there every night during my undergrad and I saw her throw shit at people ALL THE TIME. So fuck you, and fuck her too. I started viewing her as some sort of challenge..shit, we all did. Like one day she'd get all grandmotherly because she was just testing us and we passed. Nope. She's just a bitch.


I got more, but my 3 month old is hollerin' for titty. Catch ya on the flipside, but tomorrow, when you are out in the world, running errands, buying lattes, make sure that people treat you with the respect you deserve. Our whole damn economy is wrapped up in haircuts and oil changes, and the only thing America is doing is staying busy providing shitty service to other Americans. So make nice, assholes, before you wind up like dumbassed Borders.